Babies seem to be everywhere these days. and if you are like me this is the most painful and sweetest thing to see (irony I know). Since I could remember I have wanted a child, a human being to love and treasure, to teach what is good and right in the eyes of Jehovah. A person to give affection, a person to love. But the sad thing is this is never coming. For ages I knew my purpose on earth was to be a mother. Why, you may ask? Coz I have this void I want to fill, some part of me is incomplete. I have such mothering instincts its scares me. Illogical I know but who can question emotions. I just suffered a miscarriage and the anguish and torment that has filled me is immense, the tears flow so freely nothing I can do can stop it even movies on TV are in cahoots with each other. One never thinks that even though it’s a miscarriage or a still birth one feels a bond for this child whom you will never here cry, whom you will never hold but you will always love.
So how old am I to be in such turmoil you may ask. I am a mere 24yr old, not yet married (in the Works though) to many my age is so young yet a child. But my heart and hurt beg to differ. I do not think barrenness regardless of age, religion or social group has different effects. We all languish every month when what is supposed to be a gift turns to a curse (Menses) when you are done questioning yourself and blaming yourself. When you have done all that you can do within your means literally at ropes end. What next?
I know am young, I know it’s still early, I know all I need to know but that doesn’t mean it stops hurting every time I lose a baby. Does someone understand this turmoil, this hurt, this misery am living in. am tired of pretending I can do it, I am tired of the hurt, I am sick and tired of it all. I am trying to maintain the happy face everyone expects, while inside; the truth is eating me alive knowing I can't change it no matter how hard I try.
Disclaimer written in tears
sweetheart am so sorry about this!Jehovah heals us and makes it bearable. Things will surely work out at the right time. keep hopeful. Wanjiru wa Kamau
ReplyDelete