Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Patriciah,

How I wish I was you right now, a naïve 17 year old with a youthful mixture of bravado and immaturity, where everything is so important and all decisions larger than life. Oh and you will drop Patricia (first you will add an h’ then drop it completely) to Warugi all in the journey of knowing yourself.  I am writing this letter a young 29 year old who is a lil bit taller but none the wiser, whom you wouldn’t recognize; I sure don’t look the same. I want to impart certain things that I wish someone had told me when I was your age, and then maybe I would not have made certain choices.

You are Beautiful, yes you are, STOP berating yourself in front of the mirror. Society has fed you a warped perception of beauty—don’t let its definition convince you that you fall short of everyone else’s expectations. Stop punishing yourself with starvation diets and binge eating to mask what is really bothering you. You are just wasting your energy. . I know how much you’re hurting; you just haven’t figured out yet that inner beauty outlives physical beauty every time. The mirror is not your enemy; see yourself through your own eyes and know that others love you even though you don’t love yourself. Learn to pamper WARUGI and spoil her, if others tell you that you are selfish, that you are self-obsessed, that you love yourself too much. Don't believe them for a second. You deserve to be enthralled with your you-ness. Even after he cheats on you, don’t let him make you feel less than you are, coz the opposite is not good, trust you me I know what I am talking about.

I know you feel as though your parents are judging every move you make and you hate living under a microscope. Strict curfews, being grounded from social activities may seem unreasonable, but your parents really do have your best interests at heart. If they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t care what you did. Boundaries and rules are a sign of good parenting and tough love. You’ll figure this out once you have kids of your own.  Appreciate the time you have with your family. The holidays you go to, travelling to Nakuru to see your grandparents ( the void they leave cannot be filled) And once you get married and a lil bit older everyone will have more important things to do, so treasure the moments you have with your family, trust you me you will miss them.

You will discover that school and grades are not everything.  Yes, you will have a fluke genius moment and get 100% on your first mathematic exam, when you were sure that you had no idea what you were doing.  (It was short-lived and lasted only for that one test).  It is not so much what you are learning, but the work ethic that you learn from your dedication to school; take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves to you and your commitment to take a chance on the unknown. Trust your instincts because they have proven to be trustworthy and make sure you take risks, because they always seem to put you in the right place at the right time.

Invest in your Friendships, friends that you will stay up all night with for no reason at all except that the conversation never stops.  Friends that encourage you to follow your passion and friends that encourage you to leave your comfort zone, but are protective enough to say, ‘make good choices’ before you embark on a new adventure. Worrying about what other people think of you is a waste of time and energy. Don't let someone else's perception of you (unless it's absolutely fabulous!) become how you see yourself. And for God's sake, don't be so hard on yourself all the time. Don't get caught in the trap that everything needs to be perfect, or nothing will ever get done.

Jeez love, hmmm it will be the bane of all your problems, you see if you can only get a strong sense of self now, wohooo you will save yourself loads of money, heartache and time. Love yourself mama, it’s so important otherwise you will get addicted to unhealthy relationships looking for acceptance and validation and all you will get is your emotions and heart trampled on over and over. It’s okay that you have no boyfriend right now, trust you me there are many to come, some will break your heart and you will break others but each one will teach you a valuable lesson in love. Try to really know yourself before you get in a serious relationship or marriage, though the romantic in you won't listen. Remember, if you're not with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful, loveable and special person in the world, walk away. (And if it makes you feel any better, just know karma's a bitch... May this 5 points guide you on matters of the heart

1. Don't give your heart to boys who don't respect it.

2. Don't think you can change a man.

3. Don't ignore red flags

4. Don't EVER get involved with a taken man.

5. Don't let a guy be the center of your universe.

Last but not least, don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Slow down and enjoy the ride. Life is full of twists and turns; don’t be afraid to stray from the well-worn path that everyone else is walking. Embrace the challenges you’ll face and don’t let the fear of failure box you into years of regret. How will you ever learn anything if you never make a mistake? Trust your intuition, listen to your heart and fight hard for what you believe in. Stop wasting precious time running down hollow streets in search of happiness. You’ll find its been inside you all along.

Signed

Older, trying to be wiser

Warugi

PLUS SIZE AND LOVING IT

*Disclaimer – Please allow me not to be politically correct

Wow it has been a minute since I wrote, but I sure had to ride the Njoki Chege bandwagon, by now we all know what her article said, and as much as I am not going to comment on it, something she said in her article took me back to a dark place in my life. Her exact words were: 

You are fat: I like to call a spade a spade, so when I see a fat girl, I will call her fat and not sugar-coat the truth (pun intended). Most married women I know are fat. Children or no children, you have lost your physical attractiveness and you have been reduced to a blob. Rolls upon rolls of fat and flesh jiggling around the city like nobody’s business. I look at some married women and I pity their husbands, asking myself “How do you get turned on by that?” or ‘How do you wash all that?” I understand that the vagaries of life and childbirth take its toll on a woman’s body but, ladies; can you shove this stinking attitude of ‘plus-size and loving it’? It is time women stopped lying to themselves that big is beautiful, that plus size is attractive and that what matters is what is on the inside. To hell with inner beauty! Who gets turned on by inner beauty? Who cares if you have a wonderful heart and a wiggly mass of flesh for a behind? Big is not beautiful. Those tires around your waist are not love handles; they are ugly, unsightly and downright unattractive. Those flabby arms are not sexy at all, they are disgusting to look at and you must tone them! Those stretch marks are not beauty marks of childbirth, they are as a result of your uncontrolled consumption of insurmountable loads of food and you need to stop eating like a pig. A man can afford a potbelly and get away with being assumed as rich but an overweight woman is a disgrace to the womenfolk. Do away with your thunder thighs ladies, they are excess baggage you don’t need. If it has been two years since you had a child and your tummy still wobbles when you brush your teeth then you are a lazy bum who needs to find a treadmill right now. I don’t care if you have a busy schedule or four kids, if you have time to down an entire thermos of uji, then girl, you got time to hit the gym! Stop giving your husband’s a tough time by expecting them to look away when they see a woman with a great body pass by when you resemble a baby hippo!

This bully took me back to my childhood days; you see I am one of the 'Fat' women she is talking about. For me it didn't start yesterday I have had 28 years to come to terms with it (had to be vacuumed out of my mother, so I do know what I am talking about) and yes I am a bit sensitive when it comes to weight. You see the thing with the Njoki's of this world is they do not know what their words do to someone.

Growing up I genuinely hated myself and all this was based on how I looked. Fortunately children were not too mean, they did agree to play with me and be my friend. In the last 10 years of my life I've learned to overcome my hatred of myself, I stopped looking in the mirror and seeing that fat girl who didn't fit in. All this was changed by a Dr. Seuss Quote: "Why try so hard to fit in when I was born to stand out." How true this statement is you see, it made me realize that in my life I was constantly looking at my flaws instead of the GREAT qualities and talents that I poses. I learnt If I concentrate on what the Njoki's (and they are many) think) I will not be able to concentrate on what is most important, to be a Great person, a good mother, a loving wife, a doting daughter and a fabulous friend. 

If I am being totally honest, it’s not easy; it’s a great struggle, a constant battle.  I am not talking about the self doubt, but challenges that come with being 'Fat'.

 1) Shopping is hard, where do you find the perfect pants, and when you do, they are twice as expensive.

2) Keeping up with Life's demands is hard. (Gym isn’t a cup of tea)

 3) Breaking up with Junk, I love food and the oilier the better.

It may be hard for a fitness junkie to understand but most big girls (like me) are happy. We've come to terms with our weight. Now don’t get me wrong, my head is not buried in sand, I know I need to lose weight, not for physical beauty but for health reason but it’s not a journey you take by yourself, it needs support. But until then I am going to love myself and know that being 'Fat' is not a curse, it’s who I am- at least for the time being.

This is an urgent plea can we please stop body, there is enough image consciousness going on, and it is our responsibility to help each other and teach little girls to feel comfortable with themselves.

STRUGGLING WITH FAITH

Just like David in Psalms 27:4, the one thing I ask Jehovah for is that I may dwell in the House of Jehovah all the days of my life, but this is easier said than done, you see to achieve this one must draw close to Jehovah and this involves praying, studying the bible and applying what one reads.

We are told to “PRAY incessantly.”1 Thessalonians 5:17 “Persevere in prayer.” Romans 12:12 “Let your petitions be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6 If you’re a Christian, you probably know those scriptures well. You probably also realize that prayer is the most amazing form of communication there is.  But I don’t know if you are like me whereby you find prayer a challenge; where you feel as if you have run out of prayers; where you find it hard to tell God how you feel.

Once a lady I have a lot of respect for as a Christian confessed she didn't know how to pray, I remember feeling so confused by her statement. I mean even as a novice I knew who and what to pray for, I could not comprehend how one did not know. Oh how young I was in my faith and later (much) I learnt how proud my thoughts were. I remember praying specifically for what I was sure was best for every situation; I mean my prayers were open and honest just as the Lord wants them. I could pray for any situation and using words that were sweet to the ears, but lately I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind about my current state of faith.

 I seem to have gotten busier and had to deal with new circumstances all the time, so I find I cannot sit down and pray because there are so many places in our lives right now that are just hard. I find myself tired of praying over the same situation over and over, in detail which then makes me think on the issue more and instead of sharing my concerns over those areas it becomes my time to worry. Before I know it my prayer time has escaped me and I am left feeling more empty than before I began praying.

I just seem to be going through the motions right now, I attend Sunday service, but it’s not giving me anything. I have asked Jehovah to help me but even that plea sounded empty and I am not feeling anything. I find myself questioning God’s presence, why he feels so distant? What could be wrong with me whereby I don’t seem to care about reading the scriptures like I used to, or why sometimes I’m bored when I pray, or my mind just seems to wander off. Is it something that I did?

Lord I used to be more excited and I don’t understand what is going on? I am not connecting with him, I am just talking, you know? I wish I could be like Hannah, a faithful woman who raises her voice in a prayer that lauds Jehovah and who knows that God has lifted her out of the dust, replacing her dejection with exultation. If you have any time at all could you please pray for me that I can find my bearings again.

LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT

 Have you ever had an epiphany? One of those “a-ha” moments where something just clicks for you? Maybe it’s something you've been struggling with for a long time, or maybe it was a piece of advice you learned from a friend. Due to certain circumstances that I found myself in lately, I got to spend some quality time with myself and I came to the following conclusions:

1.       I am the most important person.  I have to be my own best friend, you see when someone says  something I don’t like I  walk away but if I am the one putting myself down I can’t walk away from me so I might as well be nice to myself. At the same time however I must remember I am not the center of the universe.  Yes it’s incredibly difficult to think about the world from a perspective other than our own but it’s important to remove yourself as the center of the universe and pay attention to what’s going on in front of you, around you and inside you.

2.       We must love. You know the saying, “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” I know, such statements sound so trite and weak on the surface that we often dismiss them with a wave of the hand. But it’s the cold truth, a truth so profound that perhaps we can only discuss it with little clichéd statements. But we must love, even if it breaks our hearts. Love is the supreme expression of life; it is the essence and ground of all creation. At the same time Love isn’t enough, it is not enough to survive. We must take action to show others that we care to show them that we love them and whether we like it or not, often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.

3.       Relationships matter. Not every relationship matters all that much, but there are a few that really, really matter. It is important to know that friends change and that does not give us a reason to change the said friends. With that said you don’t need everyone to like you. Yes it’s a mammalian instinct to want to be liked, but you can’t value every relationship the same, and thus you can’t expect everyone to love you the same. Life doesn’t work that way, when people don’t like you, nothing actually happens. The world does not end. But remember nobody makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who help you.

4.     You have to let it go. For me the hardest thing to do is trust, have faith and forgive when I have been wronged. This is the hardest lesson for me, MOVING ON, Huh, how I struggle, but you see the world does not stop for my grief. Yes my emotions are mine and I have every right to them but one has to move on. You see when you take things too seriously it just stresses YOU out. I have not worked on the kinks yet but I am learning to suck it up, keep my head high and continue with life as if what happened did not bother me.

5.       Happiness is not based on external status, it is an internal state. Neither money nor success can make me happy; At best it will pacify us momentarily. At worst it will ruin our lives, leaving one empty and depressed. However the secret to happiness is the acceptance of you.

6.        Honesty is profoundly important. Honesty, at the most simple level, is telling the truth, not lying. It’s incredibly important to be honest, and it’s hurtful when you’re not, but do not push to know a secret it might change your life (not positively). Honesty goes hand in hand with Openness; openness is just as important as honesty, actually it is more complicated than honesty, because it involves being honest, while painting an accurate picture, shooting straight, not misleading other people, and being real. Openness is far more subjective, and you have to be honest with yourself before you can be open with others.

7.       It’s OK to change; change is growth. We all want a different outcome, and at the same time most of us don’t want any change in our lives. Change equals uncertainty, and uncertainty equals discomfort, and discomfort isn’t much fun. But when we learn to enjoy the process of change—when we chose to look at the uncertain as variety instead of uncertainty—then we get to reap all the rewards of change. And that’s how we grow as people.

8.       You must make change a must. You see only you know when you are unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled. If you are like me, I know this should change. A friend of mine quoted Anthony Robbins who aptly describes all these shoulds in my life: he says “after a while you end up shoulding all over yourself.” Anthony goes on to say when one understand this on an emotional level you are able to turn your shoulds into musts. So a decision is not a real decision until it is a must for you, until you are compelled to take action.

9.       Finding your passion is important. Maybe you already know what your passion is; maybe you don’t have a clue. Do yourself a favor and figure it out, it will change everything for you. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on what’s to come.

10.   Doubt kills. The person who stops you from doing everything you want to do, who stops you from being completely free, who stops you from being healthy or happy or passionate or living a meaningful life is you.  We can doubt ourselves to death.

At the end of the day I’m still trying to figure it all out. I don’t intend to disseminate my views and opinions as some sort of absolute lessons by which you should live your life. What works for me might not work for you (hell, sometimes it doesn’t even work for me), but it is important to know just what is important for you.

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

Today we celebrate women, all over the world, and you know what as much as i Celebrate special women like my Mom, Mother in law, Sister and sis-in-laws. I celebrate Me the most, you know why because I encounter many defeats, but i refuse to be defeated. In fact, I embrace this defeats because i have learnt that without them i would not know who I am or what can rise from  or how i can come out of It.

So to all women out there, Happy Women's Day

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me. 

Maya Angelou

                                         Salute to all women.

GUESS WHO's BACK

GUESS WHO IS BACK? 

Happy any holiday I have missed, hope life has been fair to you, I have seen my fair share of trial and tribulations since I have been away, but there has also been light at the end of that tunnel. I am raring to go, well till my next article, I wish you Good tidings.

Parting Shot: Just like flowers, women are created to give beauty to the world.

DEAR WOMEN

Dear Women,

First of all, we're sorry. We're sorry that although we look like men, we often act like boys. We're not even sure what it means to be men anymore. As we grow up, we learn that to be happy is to be self-indulgent and self-centered. We try to make enough money so that we can have the right TV with the right video games in the right home. We want to date you and maybe even marry you but we are scared to focus on someone else instead of ourselves. Isn't it sad that we see committing to you as a potential threat to our happiness instead of a wonderful opportunity?Here's what we don't understand: True happiness comes from being true men. We think and act like boys who don't want their toys taken away. We look up to "role models" in the media who teach us to get as much gratification out of life as possible. We may claim to be spiritual, or even firm atheists, but pleasure is the god that we worship, whether we realize it or not. Unfortunately, women tend to be just another part of our hedonistic lifestyle. Please know this: True men won't treat you like an irritating obstacle or a sexual convenience.A real man understands that women are to be cherished and treated with care and honor. He sees marriage as the opportunity to be a real-life superhero—he leaves behind his old identity and becomes a new person, dedicated to serving his wife and children. Although he will struggle at first, a true man who marries eventually understands that he can't fit through the narrow doorway to happiness if he tries to carry all of his toys with him. There is just enough room for him and his wife, arm in arm, committed to their marriage.Women, you can help us become real men! Most importantly, we want to feel admired by you. Help us to know that you love us just as we are, even if there is room for improvement. Do this by giving us words of validation; praise us for the things we do well. This means more to us than we let on.In return, we will make sure that you feel loved and cherished by us. We will learn to talk with you so you can be heard and understood, not so that we can tell you how to solve your problems. We'll also try to learn to express how we feel without withdrawing or getting angry. With polished communication we can learn that what makes you happy makes us happy too! What a concept!Once again, we're sorry. We are to blame, even though good male role models are hard to find these days. We've ignored our calling to become true men and instead act like we're in high school for as long as we can. Please trust that we are capable of more than this.If you are frustrated with the man in your life, do your best to forgive him and start fresh. After a while, if it's clear that he will not become a real man, leave him. You deserve better.A healthy relationship will make everyone involved feel happy. When we are happy, we are capable of living meaningful and fulfilling lives alongside one another. Thank you for your understanding and patience as we journey onward to find happiness and become real men.

Sincerely,
Men