WOMEN'S PREROGATIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships are hard; they want and require a lot of work. They are made hard by the fact that they constitute two humans beings of the opposite sex, with different wirings and expectations of the other. (So does this make same sex relationships easier, mind you am not condoning it) My best friend told me that a man is a man and I should therefore let him be. This might be true but that doesn’t mean a man gets the opportunity or leeway to do as he pleases regardless of a woman’s emotions and feelings. Yes there are certain fundamentals that we have to let be, and I have no intentions nor should any woman want to change a man but if those fundamentals are infringing on my feelings and you as the man have absolutely no respect for them due to the fact that “I am a Man” then baby better be prepared to meet the wrath of a woman. In this regard I am talking about what is popularly known as side Dishes, as in affairs, I totally disagree that a man has to cheat, that it is in his nature or that men do not have the word monogamy in their dictionary. Mr. Rights best friend once told him that he should take his fun where and when he can. (Talk of misinformation) I am not going to be hypocritical and say women are the best, that we are always the victims, I mean I switch on your stations and listen to the filth that is spewed by certain women, heck I have guys in my life who are having affairs with married WOMEN and we also have been known to take each others boyfriends, heck even I have had affairs. I will not speak on behalf of men as I do not subscribe to their way of thinking, but what happened to the expectations we have as women? What questions do we ask ourselves? What is the final straw that breaks your back? What is too much for you? Is this an open relationship? Am I allowed to cheat because you are? Guys and also we chic’s have made fun of “the List” that dictated what we want in a man/ woman. I am of the opinion that it guided ones boundaries. Therefore the questions above would become moot as one knew what we expected of my man. “The List” was made to be unrealistic and then it became worse, due to the ratio of men to women, we have been made to feel that we women are few and therefore extremely lucky should you have a man. Is this really true? Do you consider yourself lucky if the man you are so supposedly lucky to have, cheats on you constantly, beats on you, is a pathological cheat? Why did we as women have to adjust our expectations? When did it become acceptable to be with a man who cheats on you? Why did we as women cheapen ourselves? What are we supposed to teach our daughters, younger sisters or any other young girl in society? Women are the backbone of a community and if we cannot value ourselves or hold ourselves up in dignity, who will? I don’t want to be that girl, the one who stands here and hears what you supposedly didn’t do with that girl. I need to be the one with the courage to leave to get that person that God made for me, the one who has been put on Earth for just me and this should be all women across the board. Am I saying Wake up and leave your relationship, NO, I am saying LOVE yourself more to know what is or isn’t good for you. GOOD WEEK ALL

24 THINGS LEARNT WHILE 24

24 THINGS I LEARNT WHILE I WAS 24 This week in exactly 2 days to be precise, I turn 25, what a scary thought. As a child, 25 was ancient and to be very honest it still is, I mean, it’s only 5 short years from the big 3 0. Anyway, I sat down this weekend and reflected on all the things that I have gone through, seen, and I was like, you know its true life is really the best teacher. I realized I have gone through a lot, but I will give you a list of the 24 biggest things I learnt: 1. Love yourself. Become your own priority: this came a bit late but am working on it, 2. Some things just aren’t meant to be. And if they aren’t, move on to what is waiting to be. 3. First impressions are completely worthless 50% of the time. 4. The greatest truths in life are uncovered with simple, steady awareness. 5. Nothing heals wounds like time. Sure some things will always hurt when you reminisce on them, but with every passing day, time will help lessen that pain. 6. Friends become strangers. And more importantly, vice versa. 7. Goodbyes are always sad. Especially when you know that it will most likely be the last time you see that person ever again. 8. Pictures are of great importance especially of loved ones and get-togethers. Take many, there will come a day when you are glad you did. 9. Kindness and hard work will take you further than intelligence. 10. People deserve a second chance, but not a third. 11. Consider things from another’s point of view rather than your own all the time 12. Bottling up your feelings slowly kills you on the inside. Find someone you can talk to. 13. Being an adult can be fun when you are acting like a child. 14. Love has nothing to do with looks, but everything to do with time, trust, and interest. 15. What you learn in school doesn’t really matter. You rarely use it actually, 16. It so important to be able to manage your time and money. 17. When you lie, you eventually get caught. That is a guarantee. 18. We are all social beings, but at times it doesn’t hurt to be an island. You learn so much about yourself, other people and the world when you’re alone. 19. People are not mind readers. Tell them what you’re thinking- especially the man in your life 20. Accept and embrace change, its hard but you have to move with the times. 21. Always be honest with yourself and others. It creates a name for you. 22. Live a comfortable life, not a wasteful one. 23. Be respectful of others and make them feel good. So respect your elders, minors, and everyone in between. There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected. 24. The most important one was this IN ORDER TO GET, YOU HAVE TO GIVE. – SUPPORTING, GUIDING AND MAKING CONTRIBUTIONS TO OTHER PEOPLE IS ONE OF LIFE’S GREATEST REWARDS. EVERYTHING YOU DO COMES BACK AROUND. When I turn 25 I shall tell you what I plan to achieve by the time I am 30

VULNERABILITY IN RELATIONSHIPS

An ideal relationship is one where the emotional bond is a strong one that has mutual trust/respect, one whose communication is open and you are good friend as well as lover to and with your partner, right, isn’t this what they say. This is easier said than done right? To be open and vulnerable with your partner or spouse there needs to be trust and if the trust is broken in, then you open Pandora’s Box and holes are you find yourself doubting him in other areas.
Where am I going with this, well I am the kind of person whom from an early age, was conditioned to believe that to expose my fears, weaknesses and negative feelings is not really acceptable (children are to be seen and not heard era) and more so at a time of confrontation is to invite trouble (serious thrashing would happen).so am not really good at being vulnerable with people, leave Mr. right but also my good friends. In context to Mr. Right I keep saying and telling him that he needs to be my best friend and he needs to open up to me, but in all honesty I kinda mean can I keep my stuff to myself and you have to tell me everything. Anyway so recently I opened up (literally) to Mr. Right and it felt good and scary simultaneously. For the four years we have been together, with all the ups and downs we have had, we really haven’t or rather I have never opened up to him like I did. You know the fears, and inadequacy that we carry. It takes courage strength and a whole lot of trust to share the tender parts of yourself but how do you do this without trust. Coz when I tell you my fears and flaws I am not handing you a newly modernized weapons system but it’s a sacred gift. Not only in romantic relationships but also with platonic ones, when I am at a point I can trust you with that magical gift called my flaws please make a conscious and open hearted decision to regard this information as the precious gift that it is.
Which made me questions do you believe that your partner should know everything about you? Or do you feel that there should be some things about you (ideas/beliefs/feelings/experiences) that are off-limits in discussing with your partner or allowing your partner to know about you? I know that the alchemy between vulnerability and honesty is the chemical reaction that can transform our communication. But is the willingness to be vulnerable a significant feature of lasting relationships one in which partners are allies and not foes. Which brings me to this point, in every relationship their comes a point at which conflict arises and each relationship has breakdown at some point or another so, if I feel my trust has been damaged then how does one maintain their vulnerability(PLEASE ANSWER THIS) without clamming up and slowly surely isolating the person who has broken your trust. I know that I am the kind of person who builds high wall build around me to avoid being hurt again but my question is how does one strive to be as open and honest as possible and hope that he is also doing the same but still respect that some things are private as best I can.

I'm a woman who carries around all these layers of fear and vulnerability

THE BIG O

A new research has just been released in the states and it shows that 80% of women fake the big O. this is a huge percentage of women; this is actually one of those statistics that show how much help women need. I mean guys imagine how good it is to……………………. ok so in Kenya or Africa as a whole its kinda taboo to talk about sex, especially with us women we just don’t talk about it. I mean think about it(when have you ever asked your girlfriend what was the best sex you’ve ever had) I deviate. But with such statistics it must be so much higher here, where we rarely know what coming (climaxing) is or rarely talk about it. I understand why we fake it especially if you're not in the right frame of mind. It’s often easier while he's trying to give you a good time just to pretend you're having an orgasm. A quick 'Uh-uhuhaaaah!' and everyone's happy. I know guys don’t want to hear this but it’s true. I mean, we can't all be on tip-top sexual form all the time, and isn't a bit of faking just good manners, a social nicety in the same way as when, if someone steps on our toes, we find ourselves saying 'sorry'? But honestly this is a worrying trend especially for those who are constantly faking it. Which got me thinking why do women (from my experience) FAKE IT?
1. She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings – how am I expected to tell you when you are putting all that effort that not today, I don’t feel like it.hmm
2. It just isn’t that good to her – this is what I mean sex/making love is supposed to be fun and I am supposed to be enjoying myself but am not so I would rather have it over and done with.
3. Lack of technique- I am not saying ones game is down, but come on try and move abit put me in positions that I will be left wondering “who taught you that”
4. Not enough time. - Ok guys now listen very carefully; very few women can climax within minutes so if you come before my twinges begin then she most definitely will fake it
5. She is self conscious- ok it’s like this women are very interesting beings at times our thoughts when not in the right place we start worrying about things that are not necessary there.
6. Not like that - it is not going to happen! - Not all women can achieve orgasm through intercourse, some can reach it in different ways but mainly when the Clit is stimulated, so the same way you enjoy having a woman go down on you kindly reciprocate the favor.
7. Men and women are different. - Although sex encounters for men are typically ‘great’, most women will reach orgasm more easily with someone they feel a connection with.
We always hear that communication is key to success in a relationship well this is true and (This to both guys and girls) it is more important when it comes to sex, especially when you are getting to know each other’s particular pleasures. We women know our own body, so when she tells you to speed things up or slow them down, pay attention to her “coaching”. If she wants a certain position, take the hint, make her happy and she will not have to fake it. And girls please tell guys coz in all total honesty how is the dude to know that lying on top of you like a dead fish on a slab and drooling on your shoulder's not going to do it for you - unless you tell him? Don’t go damaging his ego but don’t ruin your sex life either.

A satisfied girlfriend is a good girlfriend

MEN WOMEN RELATIONSHIPS

Men are pathological cheats! Not all of them but a major majority of them. Sadly its true. This week a friend called me ranting and raving about how her man is a male whore and how he has a bad habit of cheating on her. Well my question is this What is it that men look 4 in women? coz it seems they never find it as they are always chasing more than one. So it brought along an interesting debate with the man I hope to tolerate till death, and he says that men are unique, that they have an ability to love two women (some sane man refute this for me please) at the same time but he chooses to marry the one who makes his life better.( HOW NICE but please don’t do me a favor) Kwani it’s a contractual partnership we are getting into. I mean if you happen to love two people simultaneously please stay with the one you loved second coz if you loved the first one then you wouldn’t happen to love anyone else after. So this really got me thinking of the differences in the two sexes. Ok so other than the physical difference and psychological differences. I mean relationships between men and women are not necessarily difficult or impossible but our lack of knowledge and mutual experiences give rises to our difficulties. Someone once told me that Women are like padlock the more they are opened the more useless they are while men are like keys the more they open (master key) the more should be preserved ( this has man written all over it) but our failure to recognize and appreciate these differences can become a lifelong source of disappointment, frustration, tension and eventually our downfall in a relationship. I mean think of the fights that we have with our significant others they simply arise when we expect or assume the opposite sex should think feel or act the way we do. Imagine believe it or not men do not leave in completely different realities. The task that faces men and women is to learn to accept their differences, avoid taking their differences as personal attempts to frustrate each other, and to compromise whenever possible. So with that in mind, my dear men: considering am a woman any man reading this please consider the following when in a relationship with a woman:

• Women value love, communication, beauty and relationships
• For women, offering help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength; it is a sign of caring to give support.
• Women are more intuitive, holistic, creative, integrative
• Women want empathy, but you men usually offer solutions.
• When women are upset, it is not the time to offer solutions, though that may be appropriate at a future time when she is calmed down
• Women need to receive caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance
• Women are motivated when they feel special or cherished.
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL

I prefer that you tell me the truth even it its hurts rather than lie to me just to make me happy………………………….how true is this statement……. And I ask in this context . Say you have a good friend or an acquaintance whom you like and you meet her man out in the clubs or in a restaurant and you see her man with some other woman looking too cozy…….DO YOU OR DON’T YOU TELL? I am of the school of thought please tell , why you may ask, it’s so important for us women to start covering each other’s nakedness with love. - I expect you would want no less if the roles were reversed and I saw your boyfriend cheating on you. . I don't care about saving a friendship with someone who won't look out for my best interests and at least be straight up with me. Some may argue that the messenger will be shot well this is tricky but do you think your friend can be so shallow to that point, if one of my friends knew I was being cheated on and didn't tell me, I would probably never speak to them again. Hell, even if an acquaintance knew and didn't tell me, I would want nothing to do with them. Medically speaking there are hundreds of STD's out there, a good friend MUST tell a friend or family member when suspected infidelity is possible. A partner has a right to know, and it could be a matter of life or even death! Plus think about this we women have a sixth sense so if I think he is cheating on me then he probably is and am already having that uneasy feeling so you will be playing a vital role in helping me realize that I am not a stupid, jealous and psycho woman. What happens if the person already knows and is in a state of denial, not wanting to accept? Well that’s a person’s predilection but you will have done your part and been a true friend. Come on ladies...let’s stick together and take care of each other. Men are very literal for them its bros before hoes so why can’t we make it chic’s before dics.

Cheat Sheet For cheaters

Ok so most of y’all are big funs of Joey Greco well here are a few thing he hasn’t told you c/o ASG:
 The friend you tell today will be the former friend who rats you out tomorrow…. They will rat you out. They always do. Why? Because there are two types of friends:The friend who wants to bang your girlfriend and The friend who is a good person.
 STDs are real and there are lots of skanky women who carry them, especially among women who are willing to cheat with you. A diamond may be forever, but gonorreah lasts a helluva long time too
 Hook up in public and chances are good that you will be spotted by someone you don't know who knows you, and knows your girlfriend. It's a small world.
 The hookup girl may play it cool for a while, but chances are she wants to be the full time thing and she will secretly work to get you busted.
 The more you go back for some, the greater the risk you will get busted.
 If you are meeting your side thing at your place, your neighbors know and sometimes they talk to girlfriends. Especially if you live in an apartment with thin walls.
 Girlfriends see strange numbers on your phone and investigate them.
 Your girlfriend's family and friends have a longer memory than she does. Long after girlfriend forgave you, her family and friends will still hate you.
 Your girlfriend WILL cheat on you in retaliation. She won't tell you about it, ever, but she and her girlfriends will share many a giggle at your expense. Oh yeah, the guy she cheats with will be hotter than you.
 Your girlfriend will try harder than anything to forget what you did. She will not. It will always hurt.
 Trying to date two women costs three times as much. (LOL!)If you want to fix things with your girlfriend, she will forgive you, but the relationship will change. She will always have trust issues with you from that moment on, no way around it. Besides, you deserve it.
 Even if the other woman says she is cool with just having casual sex with you and is not emotionally committed, its not true, she cares and it will come out at some point. She may become violent.
 here are hundreds of signs that you may exhibit that tell your girl that you are cheating that you are unaware of. You don't realize it, but you are guilty of most of them.
 Girlfriends will seek support from YOUR friends and family. They will resent you, not her.
 Keep your story straight. Girlfriends are often very methodical and like a criminal defense attorney, they will tear apart your story and try and exploit each gap they find. When they do, they will tear apart you and try to exploit each gap they find. Chances are, you will fail at this. If you are stupid enough to cheat, you aren't smart enough to lie your way out of it.
 Once disposed of, the now ex-girlfriend may contact your next real girlfriend and befriend her, then drop the hammer on you.

WHY MEN BEHAVE BADLY

“Kwani all men must have kids with some woman whom is not their partner?” Was the beginning of a heated conversation with the girls on a random Sunday afternoon? My answer was hell no, then I was asked to go through my list of “boys” and the sad fact is most of my friends do have Baby Mamas whom they do not necessarily see but assist with the child.
This got me thinking Why Do men Cheat.Recently the Time Magazine had an interesting article on SEX, LIES and ARROGANCE: What Makes Powerful Men behave so badly. They tried to blame the Three Vices on why men cheat but I beg to differ. For the purposes of this blog just hear me out: I think men be they rich, poor or just comfortable will cheat and it has no reason to do with Sex LIES AND ARROGANCE and this has to do with according to one Cyril Connor “that it’s the fear of middle-age in the young, of old-age in the middle-aged, which is the prime cause of infidelity, that infallible rejuvenator”
i mean think about families, friends or just a cousins- friends- sister who has had either a woman who comes out of the wall claiming they are in love with your husband/ boyfriend/ fiancée or a child dumped in your house and the child is calling your husband/ boyfriend/ fiancée Daddy. I am not trying to say that if one cheats with so and so they have to fall in love or a baby has to be the fruit of an affair. It’s just somehow, some way it always comes out of the woodwork. If you don’t believe me then watch Cheaters with Joey Greco and its millions of fun or so I hear (( Nothing against the programme, but I think its trashy) or ask those who watch it what their obsession is.
We know of many women who have stayed with their partners after they have cheated, some really famous people and some not so famous people me included. ( just to digress) if you stay with your partner after he has cheated on you, then do you open a new account somewhere go to adultfriend finder and get yourself a hook up? I mean si he also cheated. It’s not easy (speaking from experience). anyway when I choose to stay someone asked me whether it’s a sign of weakness on my part and for the longest of times that was my battle then I realized The ability to forgive someone makes you a better and stronger human being. It takes greater strength of character to rebuild a relationship after an affair, than to just give up and quit. But this is only once you realize that the only person responsible for the adultery is the adulterer and that the relationship wasn't as good as it could be because if it were there would've been no reason to cheat. May sound harsh, but it's true. Therefore do not go back to the relationship as was . but What happens if it occurs again? I will let you know in the next blog.