Babies seem to be everywhere these days. and if you are like me this is the most painful and sweetest thing to see (irony I know). Since I could remember I have wanted a child, a human being to love and treasure, to teach what is good and right in the eyes of Jehovah. A person to give affection, a person to love. But the sad thing is this is never coming. For ages I knew my purpose on earth was to be a mother. Why, you may ask? Coz I have this void I want to fill, some part of me is incomplete. I have such mothering instincts its scares me. Illogical I know but who can question emotions. I just suffered a miscarriage and the anguish and torment that has filled me is immense, the tears flow so freely nothing I can do can stop it even movies on TV are in cahoots with each other. One never thinks that even though it’s a miscarriage or a still birth one feels a bond for this child whom you will never here cry, whom you will never hold but you will always love.
So how old am I to be in such turmoil you may ask. I am a mere 24yr old, not yet married (in the Works though) to many my age is so young yet a child. But my heart and hurt beg to differ. I do not think barrenness regardless of age, religion or social group has different effects. We all languish every month when what is supposed to be a gift turns to a curse (Menses) when you are done questioning yourself and blaming yourself. When you have done all that you can do within your means literally at ropes end. What next?
I know am young, I know it’s still early, I know all I need to know but that doesn’t mean it stops hurting every time I lose a baby. Does someone understand this turmoil, this hurt, this misery am living in. am tired of pretending I can do it, I am tired of the hurt, I am sick and tired of it all. I am trying to maintain the happy face everyone expects, while inside; the truth is eating me alive knowing I can't change it no matter how hard I try.
Disclaimer written in tears
