MY LITTLE

I remember it like it was yesterday, the little stick turned blue and later the doctor confirmed it, I was pregnant. When I first knew I was pregnant with you I was nervous and scared. I was wondering what my parents and friends would think. But as each day past I really didn’t care, I sat rubbing my belly, talking to you and waiting for you. Although I couldn’t feel you move, I still felt you there. I was in love with someone and that person was you. I would talk to you at nights about how your life would be, the good things you would have and the people you will meet. I had dreams of you looking like me and your dad holding you after you were born, I could even imagine your dark curly hair. So for a few weeks I went about my daily activities contemplating your presence in me. I felt so beautiful and special growing you inside me. I wondered about your personality. I can remember when I heard your heartbeat for the first time, it was so fast, I asked muriu whether all was well, and he told me it’s good, that’s how it’s supposed to be. I can’t tell you at what point I started worrying, but when I went to the doctor; I kept on thinking maybe I am just over paranoid. I will never forget when the technician said there is no fetal heart rate, you were 12 weeks old. My whole world fell apart and that’s when I knew I had lost you oh how I cried over you, i never got the chance to meet you, there’s so much I want to say. Know this, you might have lived only for 12 weeks but you were loved so very much. You left me too early and for this I still weep, my womb feels empty and the pain is deep. I seat at times and can’t help but wonder, how life would be if you hadn’t been torn away from me, I found you on 12/08/2010 and let you go on 18/10/2010, day by day, I move a little closer to recovery.... though I know life will never be the same. I keep hearing that it simply takes time, but I don’t know how I can recover from this deep and utter loss, when all I want to do is hold you and shower you with love, from the bottom of my feet to the tip of my head, I love you (or should I say, "I loved you"?) I just want to let you know that you will all ways be in my heart., and I w will never stop loving you. The only thing I can do for now is close my eyes and begin to pray, Jesus, will you please bless me again one day.