Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Patriciah,

How I wish I was you right now, a naïve 17 year old with a youthful mixture of bravado and immaturity, where everything is so important and all decisions larger than life. Oh and you will drop Patricia (first you will add an h’ then drop it completely) to Warugi all in the journey of knowing yourself.  I am writing this letter a young 29 year old who is a lil bit taller but none the wiser, whom you wouldn’t recognize; I sure don’t look the same. I want to impart certain things that I wish someone had told me when I was your age, and then maybe I would not have made certain choices.

You are Beautiful, yes you are, STOP berating yourself in front of the mirror. Society has fed you a warped perception of beauty—don’t let its definition convince you that you fall short of everyone else’s expectations. Stop punishing yourself with starvation diets and binge eating to mask what is really bothering you. You are just wasting your energy. . I know how much you’re hurting; you just haven’t figured out yet that inner beauty outlives physical beauty every time. The mirror is not your enemy; see yourself through your own eyes and know that others love you even though you don’t love yourself. Learn to pamper WARUGI and spoil her, if others tell you that you are selfish, that you are self-obsessed, that you love yourself too much. Don't believe them for a second. You deserve to be enthralled with your you-ness. Even after he cheats on you, don’t let him make you feel less than you are, coz the opposite is not good, trust you me I know what I am talking about.

I know you feel as though your parents are judging every move you make and you hate living under a microscope. Strict curfews, being grounded from social activities may seem unreasonable, but your parents really do have your best interests at heart. If they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t care what you did. Boundaries and rules are a sign of good parenting and tough love. You’ll figure this out once you have kids of your own.  Appreciate the time you have with your family. The holidays you go to, travelling to Nakuru to see your grandparents ( the void they leave cannot be filled) And once you get married and a lil bit older everyone will have more important things to do, so treasure the moments you have with your family, trust you me you will miss them.

You will discover that school and grades are not everything.  Yes, you will have a fluke genius moment and get 100% on your first mathematic exam, when you were sure that you had no idea what you were doing.  (It was short-lived and lasted only for that one test).  It is not so much what you are learning, but the work ethic that you learn from your dedication to school; take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves to you and your commitment to take a chance on the unknown. Trust your instincts because they have proven to be trustworthy and make sure you take risks, because they always seem to put you in the right place at the right time.

Invest in your Friendships, friends that you will stay up all night with for no reason at all except that the conversation never stops.  Friends that encourage you to follow your passion and friends that encourage you to leave your comfort zone, but are protective enough to say, ‘make good choices’ before you embark on a new adventure. Worrying about what other people think of you is a waste of time and energy. Don't let someone else's perception of you (unless it's absolutely fabulous!) become how you see yourself. And for God's sake, don't be so hard on yourself all the time. Don't get caught in the trap that everything needs to be perfect, or nothing will ever get done.

Jeez love, hmmm it will be the bane of all your problems, you see if you can only get a strong sense of self now, wohooo you will save yourself loads of money, heartache and time. Love yourself mama, it’s so important otherwise you will get addicted to unhealthy relationships looking for acceptance and validation and all you will get is your emotions and heart trampled on over and over. It’s okay that you have no boyfriend right now, trust you me there are many to come, some will break your heart and you will break others but each one will teach you a valuable lesson in love. Try to really know yourself before you get in a serious relationship or marriage, though the romantic in you won't listen. Remember, if you're not with someone who makes you feel like the most beautiful, loveable and special person in the world, walk away. (And if it makes you feel any better, just know karma's a bitch... May this 5 points guide you on matters of the heart

1. Don't give your heart to boys who don't respect it.

2. Don't think you can change a man.

3. Don't ignore red flags

4. Don't EVER get involved with a taken man.

5. Don't let a guy be the center of your universe.

Last but not least, don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. Slow down and enjoy the ride. Life is full of twists and turns; don’t be afraid to stray from the well-worn path that everyone else is walking. Embrace the challenges you’ll face and don’t let the fear of failure box you into years of regret. How will you ever learn anything if you never make a mistake? Trust your intuition, listen to your heart and fight hard for what you believe in. Stop wasting precious time running down hollow streets in search of happiness. You’ll find its been inside you all along.

Signed

Older, trying to be wiser

Warugi

PLUS SIZE AND LOVING IT

*Disclaimer – Please allow me not to be politically correct

Wow it has been a minute since I wrote, but I sure had to ride the Njoki Chege bandwagon, by now we all know what her article said, and as much as I am not going to comment on it, something she said in her article took me back to a dark place in my life. Her exact words were: 

You are fat: I like to call a spade a spade, so when I see a fat girl, I will call her fat and not sugar-coat the truth (pun intended). Most married women I know are fat. Children or no children, you have lost your physical attractiveness and you have been reduced to a blob. Rolls upon rolls of fat and flesh jiggling around the city like nobody’s business. I look at some married women and I pity their husbands, asking myself “How do you get turned on by that?” or ‘How do you wash all that?” I understand that the vagaries of life and childbirth take its toll on a woman’s body but, ladies; can you shove this stinking attitude of ‘plus-size and loving it’? It is time women stopped lying to themselves that big is beautiful, that plus size is attractive and that what matters is what is on the inside. To hell with inner beauty! Who gets turned on by inner beauty? Who cares if you have a wonderful heart and a wiggly mass of flesh for a behind? Big is not beautiful. Those tires around your waist are not love handles; they are ugly, unsightly and downright unattractive. Those flabby arms are not sexy at all, they are disgusting to look at and you must tone them! Those stretch marks are not beauty marks of childbirth, they are as a result of your uncontrolled consumption of insurmountable loads of food and you need to stop eating like a pig. A man can afford a potbelly and get away with being assumed as rich but an overweight woman is a disgrace to the womenfolk. Do away with your thunder thighs ladies, they are excess baggage you don’t need. If it has been two years since you had a child and your tummy still wobbles when you brush your teeth then you are a lazy bum who needs to find a treadmill right now. I don’t care if you have a busy schedule or four kids, if you have time to down an entire thermos of uji, then girl, you got time to hit the gym! Stop giving your husband’s a tough time by expecting them to look away when they see a woman with a great body pass by when you resemble a baby hippo!

This bully took me back to my childhood days; you see I am one of the 'Fat' women she is talking about. For me it didn't start yesterday I have had 28 years to come to terms with it (had to be vacuumed out of my mother, so I do know what I am talking about) and yes I am a bit sensitive when it comes to weight. You see the thing with the Njoki's of this world is they do not know what their words do to someone.

Growing up I genuinely hated myself and all this was based on how I looked. Fortunately children were not too mean, they did agree to play with me and be my friend. In the last 10 years of my life I've learned to overcome my hatred of myself, I stopped looking in the mirror and seeing that fat girl who didn't fit in. All this was changed by a Dr. Seuss Quote: "Why try so hard to fit in when I was born to stand out." How true this statement is you see, it made me realize that in my life I was constantly looking at my flaws instead of the GREAT qualities and talents that I poses. I learnt If I concentrate on what the Njoki's (and they are many) think) I will not be able to concentrate on what is most important, to be a Great person, a good mother, a loving wife, a doting daughter and a fabulous friend. 

If I am being totally honest, it’s not easy; it’s a great struggle, a constant battle.  I am not talking about the self doubt, but challenges that come with being 'Fat'.

 1) Shopping is hard, where do you find the perfect pants, and when you do, they are twice as expensive.

2) Keeping up with Life's demands is hard. (Gym isn’t a cup of tea)

 3) Breaking up with Junk, I love food and the oilier the better.

It may be hard for a fitness junkie to understand but most big girls (like me) are happy. We've come to terms with our weight. Now don’t get me wrong, my head is not buried in sand, I know I need to lose weight, not for physical beauty but for health reason but it’s not a journey you take by yourself, it needs support. But until then I am going to love myself and know that being 'Fat' is not a curse, it’s who I am- at least for the time being.

This is an urgent plea can we please stop body, there is enough image consciousness going on, and it is our responsibility to help each other and teach little girls to feel comfortable with themselves.

STRUGGLING WITH FAITH

Just like David in Psalms 27:4, the one thing I ask Jehovah for is that I may dwell in the House of Jehovah all the days of my life, but this is easier said than done, you see to achieve this one must draw close to Jehovah and this involves praying, studying the bible and applying what one reads.

We are told to “PRAY incessantly.”1 Thessalonians 5:17 “Persevere in prayer.” Romans 12:12 “Let your petitions be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6 If you’re a Christian, you probably know those scriptures well. You probably also realize that prayer is the most amazing form of communication there is.  But I don’t know if you are like me whereby you find prayer a challenge; where you feel as if you have run out of prayers; where you find it hard to tell God how you feel.

Once a lady I have a lot of respect for as a Christian confessed she didn't know how to pray, I remember feeling so confused by her statement. I mean even as a novice I knew who and what to pray for, I could not comprehend how one did not know. Oh how young I was in my faith and later (much) I learnt how proud my thoughts were. I remember praying specifically for what I was sure was best for every situation; I mean my prayers were open and honest just as the Lord wants them. I could pray for any situation and using words that were sweet to the ears, but lately I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind about my current state of faith.

 I seem to have gotten busier and had to deal with new circumstances all the time, so I find I cannot sit down and pray because there are so many places in our lives right now that are just hard. I find myself tired of praying over the same situation over and over, in detail which then makes me think on the issue more and instead of sharing my concerns over those areas it becomes my time to worry. Before I know it my prayer time has escaped me and I am left feeling more empty than before I began praying.

I just seem to be going through the motions right now, I attend Sunday service, but it’s not giving me anything. I have asked Jehovah to help me but even that plea sounded empty and I am not feeling anything. I find myself questioning God’s presence, why he feels so distant? What could be wrong with me whereby I don’t seem to care about reading the scriptures like I used to, or why sometimes I’m bored when I pray, or my mind just seems to wander off. Is it something that I did?

Lord I used to be more excited and I don’t understand what is going on? I am not connecting with him, I am just talking, you know? I wish I could be like Hannah, a faithful woman who raises her voice in a prayer that lauds Jehovah and who knows that God has lifted her out of the dust, replacing her dejection with exultation. If you have any time at all could you please pray for me that I can find my bearings again.

LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT

 Have you ever had an epiphany? One of those “a-ha” moments where something just clicks for you? Maybe it’s something you've been struggling with for a long time, or maybe it was a piece of advice you learned from a friend. Due to certain circumstances that I found myself in lately, I got to spend some quality time with myself and I came to the following conclusions:

1.       I am the most important person.  I have to be my own best friend, you see when someone says  something I don’t like I  walk away but if I am the one putting myself down I can’t walk away from me so I might as well be nice to myself. At the same time however I must remember I am not the center of the universe.  Yes it’s incredibly difficult to think about the world from a perspective other than our own but it’s important to remove yourself as the center of the universe and pay attention to what’s going on in front of you, around you and inside you.

2.       We must love. You know the saying, “tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” I know, such statements sound so trite and weak on the surface that we often dismiss them with a wave of the hand. But it’s the cold truth, a truth so profound that perhaps we can only discuss it with little clichéd statements. But we must love, even if it breaks our hearts. Love is the supreme expression of life; it is the essence and ground of all creation. At the same time Love isn’t enough, it is not enough to survive. We must take action to show others that we care to show them that we love them and whether we like it or not, often those who aren’t the easiest to love are the ones who need it the most.

3.       Relationships matter. Not every relationship matters all that much, but there are a few that really, really matter. It is important to know that friends change and that does not give us a reason to change the said friends. With that said you don’t need everyone to like you. Yes it’s a mammalian instinct to want to be liked, but you can’t value every relationship the same, and thus you can’t expect everyone to love you the same. Life doesn’t work that way, when people don’t like you, nothing actually happens. The world does not end. But remember nobody makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who help you.

4.     You have to let it go. For me the hardest thing to do is trust, have faith and forgive when I have been wronged. This is the hardest lesson for me, MOVING ON, Huh, how I struggle, but you see the world does not stop for my grief. Yes my emotions are mine and I have every right to them but one has to move on. You see when you take things too seriously it just stresses YOU out. I have not worked on the kinks yet but I am learning to suck it up, keep my head high and continue with life as if what happened did not bother me.

5.       Happiness is not based on external status, it is an internal state. Neither money nor success can make me happy; At best it will pacify us momentarily. At worst it will ruin our lives, leaving one empty and depressed. However the secret to happiness is the acceptance of you.

6.        Honesty is profoundly important. Honesty, at the most simple level, is telling the truth, not lying. It’s incredibly important to be honest, and it’s hurtful when you’re not, but do not push to know a secret it might change your life (not positively). Honesty goes hand in hand with Openness; openness is just as important as honesty, actually it is more complicated than honesty, because it involves being honest, while painting an accurate picture, shooting straight, not misleading other people, and being real. Openness is far more subjective, and you have to be honest with yourself before you can be open with others.

7.       It’s OK to change; change is growth. We all want a different outcome, and at the same time most of us don’t want any change in our lives. Change equals uncertainty, and uncertainty equals discomfort, and discomfort isn’t much fun. But when we learn to enjoy the process of change—when we chose to look at the uncertain as variety instead of uncertainty—then we get to reap all the rewards of change. And that’s how we grow as people.

8.       You must make change a must. You see only you know when you are unhappy, unsatisfied, and unfulfilled. If you are like me, I know this should change. A friend of mine quoted Anthony Robbins who aptly describes all these shoulds in my life: he says “after a while you end up shoulding all over yourself.” Anthony goes on to say when one understand this on an emotional level you are able to turn your shoulds into musts. So a decision is not a real decision until it is a must for you, until you are compelled to take action.

9.       Finding your passion is important. Maybe you already know what your passion is; maybe you don’t have a clue. Do yourself a favor and figure it out, it will change everything for you. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on what’s to come.

10.   Doubt kills. The person who stops you from doing everything you want to do, who stops you from being completely free, who stops you from being healthy or happy or passionate or living a meaningful life is you.  We can doubt ourselves to death.

At the end of the day I’m still trying to figure it all out. I don’t intend to disseminate my views and opinions as some sort of absolute lessons by which you should live your life. What works for me might not work for you (hell, sometimes it doesn’t even work for me), but it is important to know just what is important for you.

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

Today we celebrate women, all over the world, and you know what as much as i Celebrate special women like my Mom, Mother in law, Sister and sis-in-laws. I celebrate Me the most, you know why because I encounter many defeats, but i refuse to be defeated. In fact, I embrace this defeats because i have learnt that without them i would not know who I am or what can rise from  or how i can come out of It.

So to all women out there, Happy Women's Day

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me. 

Maya Angelou

                                         Salute to all women.

GUESS WHO's BACK

GUESS WHO IS BACK? 

Happy any holiday I have missed, hope life has been fair to you, I have seen my fair share of trial and tribulations since I have been away, but there has also been light at the end of that tunnel. I am raring to go, well till my next article, I wish you Good tidings.

Parting Shot: Just like flowers, women are created to give beauty to the world.

DEAR WOMEN

Dear Women,

First of all, we're sorry. We're sorry that although we look like men, we often act like boys. We're not even sure what it means to be men anymore. As we grow up, we learn that to be happy is to be self-indulgent and self-centered. We try to make enough money so that we can have the right TV with the right video games in the right home. We want to date you and maybe even marry you but we are scared to focus on someone else instead of ourselves. Isn't it sad that we see committing to you as a potential threat to our happiness instead of a wonderful opportunity?Here's what we don't understand: True happiness comes from being true men. We think and act like boys who don't want their toys taken away. We look up to "role models" in the media who teach us to get as much gratification out of life as possible. We may claim to be spiritual, or even firm atheists, but pleasure is the god that we worship, whether we realize it or not. Unfortunately, women tend to be just another part of our hedonistic lifestyle. Please know this: True men won't treat you like an irritating obstacle or a sexual convenience.A real man understands that women are to be cherished and treated with care and honor. He sees marriage as the opportunity to be a real-life superhero—he leaves behind his old identity and becomes a new person, dedicated to serving his wife and children. Although he will struggle at first, a true man who marries eventually understands that he can't fit through the narrow doorway to happiness if he tries to carry all of his toys with him. There is just enough room for him and his wife, arm in arm, committed to their marriage.Women, you can help us become real men! Most importantly, we want to feel admired by you. Help us to know that you love us just as we are, even if there is room for improvement. Do this by giving us words of validation; praise us for the things we do well. This means more to us than we let on.In return, we will make sure that you feel loved and cherished by us. We will learn to talk with you so you can be heard and understood, not so that we can tell you how to solve your problems. We'll also try to learn to express how we feel without withdrawing or getting angry. With polished communication we can learn that what makes you happy makes us happy too! What a concept!Once again, we're sorry. We are to blame, even though good male role models are hard to find these days. We've ignored our calling to become true men and instead act like we're in high school for as long as we can. Please trust that we are capable of more than this.If you are frustrated with the man in your life, do your best to forgive him and start fresh. After a while, if it's clear that he will not become a real man, leave him. You deserve better.A healthy relationship will make everyone involved feel happy. When we are happy, we are capable of living meaningful and fulfilling lives alongside one another. Thank you for your understanding and patience as we journey onward to find happiness and become real men.

Sincerely,
Men

BIGGEST RELATIONSHIP MISTAKES

WOW. . . .it has been forever since i last wrote. . . . it has been an interesting 2 oh sorry 3 months in my life with a whole load of  stuff going on both good and bad. One of the worst things that happened( won't say it here) has been holding me ransom and i have been having a hard time letting go and moving on with well my life as it should be.  That is what got me thinking and i had to do a bit of research on the things that we ( both men and women) do wrong in our relationships. This list below really opened my eyes and made me see myself differently, but most of all it made me appreciate my relationship and most of all Mr. Right  So what are the biggest relationships mistakes we make: Kindly fill free to add to the list. . . 

1.  Forgetting to Be Friends

The root of a healthy relationship is friendship

2. Intentionally Saying Hurtful Things

(this is so me) Even when you are arguing with each other, don't say things that you know will hurt them. Don't disrespect them or say something that could affect them negatively.( I AM SORRY)

3. Not Resolving Conflict

It's become pretty popular to avoid saying "I'm sorry" at all costs these days. This may work for you if you'd like to make your partner feel terrible, but owning up to your mistakes will be worth it for both of you.

4.  Can't Handle Distance

It is not uncommon for someone to have a job that takes them far away at times. Some people are not cut out for a relationship like this but will make the mistake of trying to stick with it anyway. It may seem brutal to break it off because you can't handle the distance, but in the end you will only be saving each other from years of misery.

5. No Romance

Sure, feeling like you're in a chick flick can be pretty cheesy, but sometimes it's those cheesy little moments that really show your partner that you care.

6. Not Handling Embarrassment

A lot of people will accept being with someone that makes them feel embarrassed, or worse, someone that is embarrassed to be seen with them. Don't sell yourself short just because you're afraid of being alone. You owe them and yourself the respect to get out.

7.  Not Being on the Same Page

Some couples have a problem with one person feeling more committed than the other. Make sure you're on the same page about everything. 

8.  Not Seeing Things From Their View

You need empathy to get through any other relationship in your life -- with co-workers, your family, your friends -- why should it be different with your partner? (but doesn't mean its his side only)

9. Making Assumptions

One of the biggest assumptions made in a relationship is thinking that your partner is a certain way just because you met someone else that's that way too. The whole "all guys/girls are the same" idea gets old fast.

10.  Pretending to Like Things You Don't

This is a textbook mistake that people have been making since the beginning of time!(mainly sports yet all you want to do is bum with a good book and a large glass of wine) Be with someone that shares your interests or at least someone that respect your differences, you will be much happier.

11. Expecting Things to Change

This is a hard lesson for some people to learn, but you can't change your boyfriend/girlfriend. Only they can do that and only when they decide to. If you're waiting it out, expecting something wonderful to happen, you're only wasting your time.

12.  Constant Fighting

I have heard  that relationships where you don't fight. . . then gyal your man doesn't really care about you  but If you find yourself fighting nearly every day just to make yourself heard, it's probably time to head out or send your partner packing.

13Avoiding the Issues

Couples that argue all the time are not healthy, however couples that never discuss the tough issues may be worse. If you both keep sweeping problems under the rug and pretending to be happy, the downfall may be drastic.(hahahahaha)

Compiling this list was the most refreshing thing i did, i am pretty sure there are more goofs we all make i sure wouldn't mind hearing of them. . . please feel free to add

DADDY DEAREST

He never looks for praises

He's never one to boast

He just goes on quietly working

For those he loves the most

His dreams are seldom spoken

His wants are very few

And most of the time his worries

Will go unspoken too

He's there.... A firm foundation

Through all our storms of life

A sturdy hand to hold to

In times of stress and strife

A true friend we can turn to

When times are good or bad

One of our greatest blessings,

The man that we call Dad.

UNDERSTANDING LIFE

Life isn't just about keeping score, It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play,Or which guy likes you.


It's not about your shoes or your hair,or the color of your skin,or where you live or work. In fact it's not about grades, money or clothes. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends or if you are alone and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are.


Believe me life isn't about that.

Life is about who you love and who you hurt. it's about how you feel about yourself, it's about trust, happiness, and compassion. It's about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence.


It's about what you say and what you mean, it's about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have. Most of all it is choosing to use your life in a way that could have never been achieved otherwise.


These choices are what life's about.

IT'S OVER: Break- Up Letter

Dear Soon to be Ex

The saddest thing you can say to anyone is “goodbye,” but sometimes in life, it is the only thing one can say.it's sad but I’m writing you now, to say that very thing because I feel the distance that has grown between us and the unspoken words that we both have been keeping inside so as to not truly hurt one another. I know people, aside from ourselves, say and do things that influence how we feel or treat others around us. People can be cruel and unthinking at times. My life does not revolve around such people and things, but it’s obvious to me now, that you do. Lately our differences have become more of an issue and I guess our directions in life have changed so dramatically that to continue as friends would only become more hurtful to us both. I know you no longer wish to understand the person I am inside. I sensed it by your silence. I spent my whole life pretending to be someone else in order to please others. I am very comfortable now being who I am meant to be, that I will no longer put my own happiness aside to pacify anyone else, not even you. You have chosen your own path in life and I see now, it is without me. You have made your choice and I now, make mine. Our own paths no longer travel in the same direction so our parting as friends has all but been decided. I want to thank you, though, for the times we spent together, the great talks, and those moments that only friends can know. I also want to thank you for the memories I will carry with me of all the happier times we shared as friends. I rarely remember anything less. You helped me grow as a person and enjoy the gift that is friendship, even if only for this short time. I know people come into your life for a reason and not all remain, but in some ways, you will. I guess we’ve actually been saying goodbye to each other for some time now, but have both been reluctant to actually say the words. So now the words have been said and the time has come to put our friendship to rest. It is far better to part as friends and go on with life, than to continue on as we are, leading only to bitterness and hurt. Take care, be well, and know life will always find a way to help you through the saddest of times. I must leave you now, but in no way, will I ever forget you. Good Luck and God Bless!

Your loving Ex

Disclaimer: NOT IN ANY WAY CONNECTED TO MY RELATIONSHIP

LESSONS I HAVE LEARNT IN MY RELATIONSHIP

        Today we celebrate an anniversary. . . and i am reflecting on  all that we have been through. It has been an amazing FIVE  years with Mr. right and in all total honesty i LOVE our RELATIONSHIP.  It has not been easy thats for sure, we have had our tests and trials and i believe  many more are to come. . .What have i learnt in the past five years?

1. IT IS NOT ALL 50-50 -they tell us that we must give equally however  it rarely happens, at times its 30- 70 or even 60-40. What matters is that the 60 person isn't resentful of the person who is giving 40 percent.

2. YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR MATE - We are so good at the blame game and poor at pondering on how we can become better partners, too often people embark upon a relationship with the expectation of changing their partners into the ideal they want. I have learnt to try and change a person is a setup for a huge let down. . . get to know him and understand him then you will accept him.

3. YOU NEED MORE THAN LOVE - Love is a starting Point but to survive it, it needs to be tempered by tolerance, tenacity, humor and humility and even this is not a guarantee it will last .We just have to learn to apply coping skills.

4.OPPOSITES ATTRACT - While its helpful to have a lot in common with your significant other maintaing ones individuality is important. Imagine you can create whatever type of relationship you want by working together with your Significant other.

5.THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP - Their is no definitive 'right way" to be a good spouse or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you. All you can do is what works for you rather than follow some standard.

6. NOBODY'S PERFECT - Instead of focusing on his shortcomings (hard as it may be) concentrate on the qualities that attracted you in the first place.

7. SEX IS IMPORTANT - It might not be everything but it registers higher on the "importance scale"Stop thinking of the Actual physical act. Touching carresing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.

8. YOU JUST CANT VENT YOUR FEELINGS - Getting things off your chest might feel good but at times we blurt out stuff in the heat of the moment that you risk damaging a whole load of stuff.

9.YOU CANT CURE PROMISCUITY - Just because you are in a long term relationship it does not mean monogamy. 

          Yes it has not been a bed of roses but i would still go on this journey with Mr. Right. 

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close" Pablo Neruda,

CELEBRATION OF MY LIFE

God thank you for this beautiful day.I know you’ll make it perfect in every way. This day is very special to me for this is the day I was born you see. You would think that when reaching my 26th milestone of existence,I’d know a little something about life but I feel naïve to the world and its workings.I know nothing yet I am old enough to know better, but not old enough to be considered wise. 

They say i am young enough to still kick up my heals but not young enough to be considered adorable. You placed me on earth for a purpose I know and I am truly having fun. No, I am not doing anything crazy, wild or loud no, I really do not care if I am alone or with a crowd. For I am so happy deep down inside that I could burst out and sing..So yes, it’s my birthday today and my age is really no big deal.

I feel like I’ve just begun. Where do I want to be Ten years from now? Twenty? What do I hope to accomplish? What mark on the world will I leave? Good, bad, ugly, or nonexistent. Will I be any wiser or will I still feel like the amateur that I am? All I know, is that I have a young brain in an ever aging, always ticking body.

 So bring on the next 50 years, Life.I'm ready to tackle you and experience your crazy roller coaster ride of wonders. I will accomplish great things or die trying.That's a certainty.So bring on the cake, bring on the ice cream. Let's get this party started. Because  I still have a lot left to do. 

MAYBE. . . MAYBE NOT

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong person before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

Maybe it is true that we do not know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we do not know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Do not expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it does not, be content it grew in yours

SELF PROCLAIMED KNOW IT ALL

Recently, I hung out with a friend who repeatedly made disparaging comments about long term relationships, marriage etc… He is convinced that people in long term relationships are stupid and are not really happy (of course conveniently ignoring or maybe trying to take a slight jab at me since I am in a long term relationship.)

I just simply said that all people are different. Some people can be happy in long term relationships, some aren’t.  He wasn’t too convinced and continued to make cynical remarks, despite the fact (puzzlingly enough) his parents have been happily married for about 30 years, which he admits they seem pretty happy.

A lot of people who are staunchly against long term relationships/marriage are either 

a.) hurt too much by past experiences (but I’ve found many of those people can be rehabilitated) or 

b.) they’ve never been in an actual long term relationship or had any real experience with romance. 

Those who fall under the “b” category are usually the worst offenders.  (Just to note not ALL people who’ve never really experienced romance are cynical. In fact, I would say most aren’t.) I think those who are cynical towards love AND in the “b” category are that way because they are bitter.They hear about people making mistakes and falling in and out of love and they say “HA! YOU FOOLS!” As if they know better. As if their lack of experience simply makes them “smarter.”  As if they “chose” to not be in a relationship because they are so “smart.”

But how can they even know or understand if they’ve never even been in those people’s shoes? Honestly, if you do not have experience, why dole out advice on something you really know nothing at all about?

Whenever I hear about people having issues with their relationships, I don’t rush to judgment, because while I have relationship experience it doesn’t mean I necessarily understand EVERY issue in relationships.

All relationships are dynamic because every person involved is different. Sure they can be some guidelines on what is a successful relationship but it’s not the end all be all; different things work for different people.

So as you can tell, my friend falls under the “b” category. He’s never had a relationship. I’m not really sure he’s ever kissed a girl. There’s actually not much wrong with him so I’m not sure why he’s never been in any kind of romantic situation. But I think with every passing year (he’s now in his late 20s) he becomes more self-conscious of his “lack of experience” and in response he has the following defense mechanism:

“Obviously I’ve never been in a relationship because I CHOOSE not to, because relationships are dumb and only stupid people do it. And it’s a waste of time that prevents you from being successful and satisfied in life. After all it just leads to break-ups and what not etc…” Which is silly because he knows plenty of people who are in relationships and successful and happy.  Perhaps he wants to convince himself they really aren’t?

Ultimately, I think the smart thing to do is if you do not have much experience in romance or relationships you should give advice in a limited capacity.  Just like I wouldn’t ever try to dictate an opinion to a surgeon regarding some complicated surgery he is about to perform, simply because I have watched live surgeries and looked up procedures online. That would be dumb. The same goes for people who lack experience in romance, why act like an authority on a subject you have never experienced?

I guess I’m just frustrated. But do you agree? Shouldn’t people gauge their knowledge base and then respond accordingly? Or are you just like my friend, who thinks he knows everything despite lack of experience?  

OBTAINING HAPPINESS

 I will be the first to admit that there are ooop sorry i meant were times when i could get so low that i honestly have no idea where next...... I have searched for happiness in so many places...Funny enough i am experiencing such happiness that  i can't explain all i can say is that its Jehovah....you know it says in the book of Phillipians 4.7 that the peace of God that excels all thought will guard YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus. so thats the only way i can explain about my happiness......So as i did i realized that there are things that we each can do to make our lives a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go and letting God, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. so if you wanna experience a fraction of my joy then give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and embrace change. 

One would ask how feasible this is and its simple start by:

1. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT: It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. GIVE UP YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL: Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are.

3. GIVE UP ON BLAME: Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. GIVE UP YOUR SELF-DEFEATING SELF-TALK:Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

5. GIVE UP YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS: Spread your wings and fly!

6. GIVE UP COMPLAINING: Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. GIVE UP THE LUXURY OF CRITICISM: We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. GIVE UP YOUR NEED TO IMPRESS OTHERS: Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. 

9. GIVE UP YOUR RESISTANCE TO CHANGE: Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.

10. GIVE UP LABELS: Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open.

11. GIVE UP ON YOUR FEARS: Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.

12. GIVE UP YOUR EXCUSES: Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. GIVE UP THE PAST: I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. 

14. GIVE UP ATTACHMENT: This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. 

15. GIVE UP LIVING YOUR LIFE TO OTHER PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS: Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their spouses, their partners and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

HOW TO BE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

"WE’RE CAPTAINS OF OUR SHIP: PARTNERSHIP, FRIENDSHIP"I heard this quote in a seminar i once attended and i had been questioning myself is it possible to be happy, in love, and have a relationship that lasts in today’s elec- tronic, e-mail, voice-mail culture? All people change over time,  people sometimes say that their partner has changed . "They're not the person i met all those years ago!' no - they're not. Chances are that you both have changed in many ways such as interests, confidence and attitudes.Most couples go through a number of stages in their relationships:

1.IN LOVE ...this is a time when couples wear rose-tinted glasses, and idealise each other.
 2.RECOGNISING DIFFERENCES .. begin to be aware of the differences between them, and become more realistic in their view of each other. 

3.I WANT TO BE ME …here you are learning how to be individuals and much of the energy of the two partners goes into establishing their own lifestyle 

4.TOGETHER BY CHOICE ...process of finding each other again, of seeking greater intimacy and deepening the relationship.  this phase represents the end of the journey from being "in love" to "loving". 

How do you know you are in a healthy relationship?

❏  You feel secure and happy when you’re together and alone—not sad, suspicious, angry, or deprived.  ❏  You are inspired by each other to fulfill your dreams and become the best you can be.  ❏  You are generous and giving—you want to give all you can to your partner, and are so fulfilled that you also want to give to everyone else around you.  Of course, every relationship goes through changes, let’s face it. you just don’t wake up one morning in a bad relationship. the un- healthy symptoms have been there all along—you just weren’t paying attention to them ... or you chose to ignore them. As in sawa you and him may have explosive sexual encounters, but how does he treat you outside the bedroom? like everything else that is worthwhile to achieve, you have to work at it. surviving the ups and downs becomes the glue that keeps you to- gether….Try the 6 H's  to a healthy relationship:

• 1. Honesty. 

Finances can be shaky, sex imperfect, stress overwhelming, but all those things can be overcome. Trust is essetial. If trust is broken, your heart is broken. Everything else seems to tumble down, prob- lems become less tolerable, and compromises less appealing.

• 2. Harmony.

Two people in love similarly make beautiful music together. They don’t need to be the same; in fact, they are more well-rounded when they have differences, like the harmonized musical notes. Their in- dividual choices of notes fit. Y

• 3. Heart.

The heart is the major organ of the body. It. Having “heart” for one another means nourishing each other. Opening your heart to one another exposes your deepest feelings. And connecting your hearts binds you deeply and inextricably

• 4. Honor.

It’s a word used in marriage vows for a reason. Honoring each other means holding each other in high esteem, considering each other’s needs, and respecting each other—and an even more revered consideration of each other, worshipping each other. 

• 5. Healing.

You may have to suffer through love wars before you find your one true love. The rejections and hurts along this path require healing in order to open up your heart again. A true love partner becomes a haven from the hurts of the past, while providing a new positive example of how nur- turing love can be.

• 6. Hot.

Satisfying, sensuous, and erotic sex can certainly be a part of the healthy relationship equation. Having such a healthy sexual connection can increase your intimacy and bind you closer together.

TO BE CONTINUED

THE UNWANTED ONE

I am only 4 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.  Today I learned how to suck my thumb.If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It's so nice and warm in here.

You know what Mommy I'm a boy!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Mommy my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and finebut I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too. You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you.

He said that I'm not a baby.I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel, Mommy, what's abortion?I can hear that doctor again.I don't like him.He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home.The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it!

Mommy! HELP me!

I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. He is holding me. Why didn't you want me Mommy?

AN ABORTION 

Is Just . . One more heart that was stopped.Two more eyes that will never see.Two more hands that will never touch.

Two more legs that will never run.

One more mouth that will never speak.....